The experience that was so threatening, and the cause of so much pain, is deactivated. That’s what’s here now." And then, oddly, the whole thing is kind of done. I could say to myself (with kindness), " Oh right, this blaming triggers this such and such in me, which has a history of its own and is understandable. I didn’t need to change the behavior so that I could get away from some unknowable, but unbearable experience inside myself. Rather than the blaming setting off a screeching fire alarm inside me-a code-red emergency-I could witness the blaming behavior, know what it put me in touch with, and stay calm and non-reactive. What it did, however, was ease the excruciating suffering that existed for me in the situation. Interestingly, naming what I was experiencing and what made the blaming so painful for me did not change my partner’s behavior, nor did it make the experience that arose in me disappear. I found the center of my own truth, what I was really in contact with inside myself in relation to the blaming. What I discovered was simple but profound-and profoundly healing. What was I experiencing that made the blaming so hard to bear?
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